Motivational Guilt

I can’t say I’ve ever written specifically about this topic.

Recently I’d been dealing with a lot of depression and frustration and could not figure out what it was from. For the most part my life was fine but it was obvious to me that something was wrong mentally. My mind would continually go back to a period in my early teens shortly before I entered my super-depressed long-term near-mental collapse. I was around the age of 10-13.

It was at this time I discovered guilt. Not just simple guilt, but immense, deep, long-lasting irrevocable guilt over the tiniest of mistakes or offenses.

As I was lying in bed today, my mind began racing. I was trying to relax and take the afternoon off and my mind kept hopping back and forth between one thing to the next over and over saying “you should be doing this.” For those who know me right now, I am certainly not lazy. I’ve been working my ass off with school and work and selling my car and keeping up with bills and finances and a recent move etc.

Finally, as I lay there perplexed at my minds inability to relax, I asked myself “Why should I go do that?” And the response was immediate: “because you’ll feel guilty if you don’t.”

In an instant the lightbulb popped on, I felt a rush. This. This was the answer.

When I was young, I was the most inspired, energetic little brat you’d ever met. I was doing art, electronics, guitar, playing with friends, inventing board games, riding my bike, learning tricks, skateboarding, rollerblading, basketball and more. Anything I could try, I would do.

Then something started to change. My inspiration began to drop off and, as I finally discovered today, what took its place was guilt.

Now that I think about it, my main motivating factor in my entire life for the last 10 years has been guilt if I do not do something. Why should I make it to work on time? So my dad doesn’t fire me. Why should I go ride my bike? Because I’ll feel guilty for getting out of shape if I don’t. Why should I get up super early? Because I’m a lazy person if I don’t. Why should I go to church? Because everyone will think I’m not spiritual enough if I do not. Why should I apologize for that tiny offense? Because in God’s eyes it is not a tiny offense. Why should I give extra money? Because I’ll feel guilty if I only give the minimum tithe.

Good fucking Lord, sweet baby Jesus in dirty diapers. Is this really the motivation of my life? No wonder I’ve been so depressed and anxious all the time!

With this sort of attitude, it explains why every waking moment it is like someone has me in a vice. In my attempts to avoid any guilt and remain squeaky clean on everything (which is impossible) I had turned myself into a walking pressure cooker.

To make matters more frustrating, God is supposedly perfect and he knows your every thought. So not only am I supposed to watch my every action, I am supposed to analyze my every thought as well to make sure it is pure.

The problem is that trying to control your own thoughts is an exercise in futility because you can’t make yourself stop thinking about an elephant.

So for the last ten years I have been beating myself up mentally over every perceived failure or crossing of any line. I am merciless to myself. I give myself no leway, and I now know why.

I do this because I thought that a perfect god was watching my every move and judging me by his perfect standards. Any failure I had in my life or even in my thoughts was sin in his eyes and was only evidence I had unrepented sin in my life. As such, I would spend endless amounts of energy confessing every potential sin I could see in myself or every dirty thought.

And the thing is, I don’t have to be this way any more. I can change, because I now know the habit started with flawed thinking. There isn’t a god doing this, so I’m free!

- Josh